Technical Information

First Broadcast: Thursday, December 17, 1987, 8:00 PM

Production Code: B-87513

Number of bullets fired by Sledge: 1

Critical Info

TV Guide summary: The precinct is quarantined after Hammer helps the military find a man who was exposed to a highly toxic substance he tried to steal from a germ-warfare center.

Ph episode rating on the Hammer scale (1 to 6 bullets): 2. This wandering episode did feature one of the greatest moments of the series, Hammer's gun talking back to him.

Episode references:

Opening Credits

Produced by Thomas Kane
Supervising Producer: Ron Friedman
Executive Producer: Alan Spencer

Guest Stars:

• William Smithers (as Col. Poltz)
• Edy Williams (as Herself)
• Leslie Morris (as Officer Mayjoy)
• Patti Tippo (as Officer Daley)
• Greg Travis
• Normal Fell (as the Doctor)

Created by Alan Spencer
Written by Mark Curtiss & Rod Ash
Directed by Seymour Robbie

Act One

Addressing his troops, a military leader says that the Germ Warfare Center was broken into last night.

A man, Richard Sirot?, tried to steal secret formula BX976, a highly toxic, contagious substance. Though the theft was unsuccessful, the man contaminated himself, and will therefore contaminate anyone he comes in contact with. Those contaminated by this toxin go through four stages:

In Trunk's office, Sledge "Pest Control" Hammer tries to kill a fly. [gunshot 1] Trying to reduce his blood pressure, Trunk tries to calm himself down. He then informs Hammer and Doreau of the hunt for contaminated man, showing them his picture.

Trunk stresses that they are not to touch him. Instead, they should call 1-800-MILITARY.

At a bar's closing time, the bartender asks for Hammer's help in kicking a loiterer out. As Hammer approaches the man slumped over the bar counter, Doreau recognizes him as the contaminated man.

What are they always doing in bars, anyway?

Doreau: Sledge! Now our orders were very specific. We are not to touch him.
Hammer: Trust me. I know what I'm doing.
[85 KB WAV file]

Hammer picks up the man and carries him on his back into Trunk's office.

Trunk: Hammer, you weren't supposed to bring him in. You were supposed to call that number. Why didn't you call that number?
Hammer: I didn't have twenty cents.
Trunk: It's toll free... tortoise-brain!
[95 KB WAV file]

Trunk orders Hammer to take him down to a holding cell. By chance, the man in the next cell is a doctor, so he offers to help. Though arrested for impersonating a doctor, even he can determine that the man is dead.

Soon after Doreau tells Trunk of the death, military men in space suits enter the precinct saying the building is under quarantine.

Act Two

Col. Mike Poltz and his suited men begin sealing off the building and setting up video cameras.

Soon, the precinct folk begin feeling the stages of the disease. In stage one (hallucinations), Mayjoy sees a bikini-clad woman wanting to "make love to him forever."

Daley acts like a ballerina. Doreau acts like a primate, climbing on top of tables making noises. Among the precinct, Trunk seems like the only one acting normally.

Even Hammer believes that his gun is talking to him!

Gun: Trust me. You know what you're doing.
Hammer: You talking to me?
Gun: That's right, amigo. I'm talking to you.
Hammer: You talking to me?
Gun: Read my lips. Yeah, I'm talking to you.
[135 KB WAV file]
Hammer: Well, I'm listening.
Trunk: Hammer, who are you talking to?
Hammer: I'm not talking. He is. See his little muzzle move?

Trunk calls Col. Poltz, who continues to not give him any meaningful information. When Trunk threatens to come outside after Poltz, the colonel tells him that his men have orders to shoot to kill. After hanging up with Trunk, Poltz tells his sergeant that Trunk and the other civilians will soon be deceased.

Lying on his desk, a lethargic Hammer tells Trunk his whole body feels like it was hit with shrapnel. From the TV near Hammer, Trunk finally hears from TV news about the quarantine and their imminent death.

Hammer: It's just that Lisa Ellerblub. What does that dumb chick know?
Doreau: She knows we're contaminated and we're going to die.
Hammer: Oh yeah? Well, nobody's going to tell me when I'm going to die. (beginning to get up) I'm going to die when I'm good and gosh darn ready! And, boy, am I ever feeling ready. (falls back down)

In a motivational speech, Trunk tries to wake everyone up to think of a way that would save themselves. Doreau realizes that Trunk is the only one who isn't sick, so Trunk begs the "doctor" for help. Meanwhile, the people in the precinct being to discuss death and related topics. Daley refuses Mayjoy's advances.

Doreau: Sledge, do you believe in the afterlife?
Hammer: I don't even believe in life.

Doreau then Hammer tell each other how much they care for each other.

Hammer: I'm really going to miss you... almost as much as I'm going to miss me.

The lethargic doctor finds out that Trunk's blood pressure is so high his veins are going to explode. Trunk then realizes that his high blood pressure makes him immune. He then goes back into the precinct to try to anger everyone. After failing on everyone else, Trunk arrives at Hammer slumped over in his chair. Though all else fails, calling Hammer a woman finally awakens him.

Hammer: Hey. Nobody calls me a woman.
Trunk: Oh, you're not a woman? Well then, maybe a little girl with a pretty pink dress and pigtails. You want to play hopscotch, little girl? Huh?

After calling Doreau a stupid bimbo, Trunk asks the ever-willing Hammer to go make everyone else mad. After Hammer punches a few people, the precinct turns into one giant brawl.

Hammer: Now, this is my kind of disease!
[40 KB WAV file]

Tag

When Col. Poltz tries to congratulate Trunk for saving many lives, an ever-irate Trunk orders him out his office, even firing his own gun in the air like Hammer.

Holiday Greetings:

Trunk: From our house...
Doreau: ... to your house...
Trunk, Doreau, and Hammer: Happy holidays!
Hammer: And if you're having one for the road, make sure it's a car. (awkward pause) And a happy new year!
[109 KB WAV file]

Closing Credits

Associate Producer: Robert Ewing
Creative Consultant: Leonard B. Stern
Executive Story Editors: Mert Rich & Brian Pollack
Story Editors: Mark Curtiss & Rod Ash
Story Editor: Chris Ruppenthal
Featuring: Jim Bentley, Diane Sainte-Marie, Dallas Cole, Mernalyn, Dori Arnold, Christopher Doyle
Co-Producer: Jim Ragan
Director of Photography: Chuck Colwell
Production Designer: Gregory Melton
Music Composed by Lance Rubin
Theme by Danny Elfman
Unit Production Manager: Jim Ragan
1st Assistant Director: Louis Race
2nd Assistant Director: Nancy King
Film Editor: Briana London
Set Decorator: Michael Parker
Construction Coordinator: Raymond Camaioni
Property Master: Christopher Amy
Location Manager: Rene Botana
Stunt Coordinator: Ed Ulrich
Sound: Tom Koester
Camera Operator: Tony Baggott
Key Grip: Dylan Shephard
Gaffer: Walter Stewart
Make-Up Artist: June Rudley Brickman
Hair Stylist: Robert Hallowell
Costume Designer: Nancy Fox
Script Supervisor: Nancy Friedman
Transportation Coordinator: Eddie Lee Voelker
Special Effects: Chuck Dolan
Casting: Cathy Henderson (C.S.A.), Barbara Hanley (C.S.A.)
Assistant to Alan Spencer: Tracy Yeager, Sherry Gamlin
Assistant to Thomas Kane: Nancy Edwards
Production Coordinator: Bonnie Jordan
Production Auditor: Erica Fox
Post Production Supervisor: Larry Levin

Electronic Laboratory: Pacific Video
Post-Production Sound: West Productions, Inc.
Filmed at Valencia Independent Studios
Cameras and Lens Provided by Ultravision
Alan Spencer Productions in association with New World Television