2.09: Last Of The Red Hot Vampires
Technical Information
![[Sledge handcuffing Vincent Lagarski]](../../images/sh/season2/lotrhv07.jpg)
First Broadcast: Thursday, November 19, 1987, 8:00 PM
Production Code: B-87510
Number of bullets fired by Sledge: 1
Critical Info
TV Guide summary: Hammer investigates the deaths of a movie director and a starlet amid reports that a legendary film vampire has returned from the grave.
Ph episode rating on the Hammer scale (1 to 6 bullets):
4.
I enjoyed the writing in the episode, so much I almost forgot the plot.
Episode references:
Act One
A woman lies in bed as a vampire and his bat enter through an open window. As the woman wakes up to see what's going on, the vampire's fangs fall out as he begins to open his mouth. This turns out to be a movie shoot, as the director, Steven Shmealman(?), berates the old vampire actor, Vincent Lagarski, for his incompetence.
![[director yelling]](../../images/sh/season2/lotrhv01.jpg)
When Lagarski counters that he didn't use prop fangs in his old movie days, the director fires him.
At a bar, Hammer and Doreau hear from TV news that Lagarski has died (1911-1987). A star of the 30s, he had been working on a comeback film, "Touch Of The Vampire".
Doreau: It's so sad when an old movie star dies.
Hammer: Actors. The only time a man should wear makeup on his face is after he's been embalmed.
Doreau: Sledge, how do you always manage to say horrible things?
Hammer: It's easy -- I just use the English language.
Slapstick gag: Hammer knocks over a saltshaker. Doreau reminds him that's bad luck. Though claiming not to believe in superstitions, Hammer pours some salt into his hand and throws it over his left shoulder to make Doreau happy. Unforunately, the bar patron next to Hammer is just getting up, so of course he gets an eyeful of salt and promptly runs into assorted bar objects.
While sleeping, the movie director is attacked by a bat and drained of all his blood.
Next thing we know, Hammer, Doreau, and Blates, the coroner, are examining the body.
Blates: I'll tell you. I haven't seen anything like this in my twelve years as a coroner.
Doreau: I haven't seen anything like this in my six years as a cop.
Hammer: I haven't seen anything like this in forty-nine years as a man.
Doreau: Sledge, you're only 40.
Hammer: I was a man nine years before I was born, Doreau.
[152 KB WAV file]
Hammer: What's the details on our Mr. Rigor Mortis here, Norman?
At the Monogamy Pictures studio ("Monogamy's your safest best for entertainment."), the "Touch Of The Vampire" movie set is being cleaned out. Hammer and Doreau question the shocked movie producer, Zeff Campbell, who informs them of the yesterday's firing. They then talk to a distraught Jessica Novak, the movie's female co-star, who slaps Hammer when she finds out they're not the press interested in her.
![[Novak slapping Sledge]](../../images/sh/season2/lotrhv03.jpg)
Back at the precinct, a wino and hooker both claim to have spotted Vincent Lagarsky, but no one believes them, though Doreau is somewhat troubled.
Hammer: Look. I only put credence into things that have been absolutely proven to exist. I don't believe in vampires, in ghosts, UFOs, the Warren report. They're all malarkey.
Doreau: Okay, well, I'm not afraid to admit it. This case gives me the creeps.
Hammer: Sorry, Doreau. I don't scare that easily.
Trunk: (entering the common area from his office) Oh, Hammer! (smiling)
Hammer: Yeah.
Trunk: Did you get the message?
Hammer: What?
Trunk: Your ex-wife called -- said last month's alimony check got lost. You're going to have to send her another one. (laughing)
Hammer: AHHHHHH!!
[212 KB WAV file]
![[Sledge screaming]](../../images/sh/season2/lotrhv04.jpg)
Act Two
While Hammer is falling asleep in front of the TV, a news report states that there have been numerous sightings of Lagarski.
Meanwhile, Novak takes a bubble bath only to be sucked dry in a bat attack.
Hammer is awakened by a call from Doreau.
Hammer: Yo... Yeah, Doreau... Who?... What?... When?... Why?... Alright, I'll be right over. (hangs up and gets up) I forgot to ask "Where?".
At the crime scene, the paparazzi relentlessy photograph the parched actress.
Hammer: This stupid flick is claiming more lives than World War Two!
Doreau also tells Hammer that a man in a cape was spotted running through the hallway. Hammer and Doreau question if Lagarski is really dead.
In Trunk's office, Hammer and Doreau want to exhume Lagarski, and Trunk is the only person who can order such a procedure. Trunk is reluctant, not wanting everyone in the department to think he believes in this "mumbo-jumbo", but allows it on the condition that they exhume him discreetly.
Six-bullet transition: Cut to a scene of Hammer wildly wheeling in the coffin to the precinct.
Trunk: Let's get this damn thing over with. Open it up.
Mayjoy: Hey, Hammer. What do you expect to find in there?
Hammer: Something that's going to make us all feel a lot better, Mayjoy -- a rotten, stinking corpse.
![[Sledge, Doreau, and Mayjoy finding an empty casket]](../../images/sh/season2/lotrhv05.jpg)
After finding the casket empty, Hammer suggests that if Lagarski's surviving daughter wants to survive, she better be able to answer some questions.
At her doorway, she claims to have cremated him, burying the empty coffin as a formality.
Ms. Lagarski: Last week, I spread his ashes all over the 605 freeway.
Hammer: In keeping with his last request?
Ms. Lagarski: No, I was driving too fast with the top down.
She invites them in.
Six-bullet stupidity:
Hammer: Tell me why your father's director and co-star are dead. And tell me why every schmoe in town has seen the old man roaming the streets like some sort of boogie-man. Tell me that, Ms. Lagarsky!
Ms. Lagarski: I have no idea what you are talking about.
Hammer: Neither do I. (winks confidently to Doreau)
[164 KB WAV file]
Ms. Lagarski tells Doreau he quietly went to sleep watching TV and never woke up.
Hammer: I hope he wasn't wathing Mr. Belvedere. I'd hate to think the old fellow went out suffering.
Ms. Lagarsky then says that he did suffer the actor's worst fate, to be forgotten. After she voices her anger over younger actors, Hammer is convinced she had a motive. When Hammer is about to arrest Ms. Lagarsky, the elder Lagarsky appears to save his daughter from incarceration.
![[Vincent Lagarksy with his daughter]](../../images/sh/season2/lotrhv06.jpg)
Mr. Lagarsky then tells Doreau of how he wanted to experience the accolades one only receives when dead. He calls his return from the grave the greatest comeback of all time. Despite his claim of innocence, the unimpressed Sledge, handcuffs him and leads him away.
On his apartment phone, Hammer tells a worried Doreau that the case is closed. While Hammer sleeps, the vampire tries to attack him, but Hammer wakes up and identifies him as Campbell. The producer says he killed the director and the actress, lovers, out of jealousy. Without a dead Lagarsky as a scapegoat, he must unleash the bat on Hammer to ensure he doesn't get caught. The bat bites Hammer, but Hammer stuggles to get it off. When he finally does, he shoots it. [gunshot 1]
![[bat on neck of Sledge]](../../images/sh/season2/lotrhv08.jpg)
Tag
Campbell is handcuffed and led away. During a panorama shot of a city at night, "In Memory of Mr. Blasko" is superimposed, with Lagarsky saying, "Ahh, the children of the night! What music they make!" [This was a line from Bela Lugosi's character in Dracula.]
