Act One
This episode did not begin quietly at the precinct.
Trunk: Hammer! In my office, right now! Right this minute, Hammer!
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Trunk has a problem. When he asks Hammer if he has heard of Phil Gumm from Action News, Hammer asserts, "I don't watch the news. I make it." Phil Gumm wants to ride along with a member of the police force for a day, and Trunk's problem is that he chose Hammer due to his seemingly perfect arrest record.
Trunk: You have put over a thousand men behind bars. God knows if any of them are guilty of anything.
Hammer: They looked guilty to me.
Further complicating the situation, Trunk has been fighting with city hall over cutbacks, and his department is threatened. This report could either help or hut their case, so he orders Hammer to "act responsibly."
Outside of Trunk's office, Doreau leads in Phil Gumm with camera crew in tow. Doreau points out a fiendish killer getting fingerprinted. When Hammer enters the area, he mistakenly greets the killer as Gumm. When Trunk points out his error, Hammer naturally shakes Gumm's hand and grabs with bright white jacket with his inked hands.
While Hammer promises Gumm that he'll see some action, Trunk takes Doreau aside and gives her the impossible task: "keep Hammer under control."
While riding in the back of Hammer's car with his cameraman, Gumm instructs Hammer to turn towards the camera. Hammer obliges while recklessly weaving down the road and plowing into a shopping cart.
When a plate hits Hammer's windshield and smashes into pieces, Hammer slams on the brakes. Inside a residence, a husband is throwing plates at his wife. Hammer ascends the stairs and draws his weapon while the rest of the gang follow right behind him.
Hammer: Alright, freeze! Police!
Gumm: Phil Gumm, Action News.
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When Hammer tries to get to the root of the dispute, the wife says she can't say it on TV. She whispers it in his ear, only for Hammer to blurt out, "Oh, you're a lousy lover."
The husband tries to attack Hammer, who grabs him and sarcastically tells him to "try eating oysters." The more sensitive Doreau interjects and handles the situation. While having only been married a week, she suggests counseling.
Not a big fan of counseling, Hammer gives the wife a grenade to use "if he gives you any more trouble."
When Hammer walks in during a hold-up at a convenience store, the crook knocks out the shopkeeper and pretends to man the counter. As Hammer walks up to the counter, an unimpressed Gumm accuses him of only confirming the "coffee and donut" police stereotype. Hammer prefers granola because donuts have fat which clogs arteries, makes people turn liberal, play Barry Manilow, and vote for gun control.
Hammer senses something is wrong when the safe is open and when nervous robber says coffee is on the house and wants to close the 24-hour shop. When the shopkeeper is heard waking up, the robber reaches for his gun until stopped by Hammer.
Hammer: You know what I'm going to do to you? I'm going to stick your head in that microwave and set it on "sandwich."
Doreau: Hammer, you can't do that.
Hammer: What? There's no setting for sandwich?
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When the robber says the only reason he steals is because he doesn't have enough to eat, Hammer forces the "skum and bones" to eat sandwiches and other packaged items from the 1960's.
Hammer: Nineteen fifty-nine, a very good year, for horseradish.
After the bloated robber collapses on the floor, the unswayed Gumm says outside the store that "our police can't solve a crime unless they have the dumb luck to stumble upon it." While Doreau emphasizes crime prevention, Hammer says there is crime everywhere. In fact, someone is breaking into and stealing the Sledgemobile as they speak.
The quartet commandeers and jumps into a random, nearby car on "police business." Unfortunately for them, it's driven by a student driver.
Student Driver: I'm not sure this is such a good idea.
Hammer: Trust me. I know what I'm doing.
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They swerve through the streets in pursuit of the stolen vehicle with Hammer assisting on the driving wheel and gas pedal.
When Hammer's stolen car crashes through a dead end, the stunned student driver is too stunned to hit the brakes. Everyone manages to bail out of the vehicle...
... before it goes over a cliff. Well, that's everyone except Gumm.
When the others dust themselves off, they realize Gumm is missing. They run to look over the cliff.
Hammer: Oooh. Think he's dead?
Cameraman: You'd better hope so.
Act Two
In Captain Trunk's office, a remarkably sedate Trunk tells Doreau she let him down. When Doreau tries to defend Hammer, Trunk tells her to shut up. This brings a rare apology from Hammer.
Hammer: Listen, Captain. Let me just say that I am sorry and I promise the next time you send a reporter out with me, I'll do a better job.
Trunk: Next time, next time?
Hammer: Well, if there is a next time...
Trunk: You think I'm going to let you drive off a cliff with Dan Rather?
After the excused Doreau exits and closes the door, Trunk explodes at Hammer.
When Trunk says Hammer almost killed Gumm, Hammer says he must be fine because he heard Gumm screaming his name as the ambulance took him away.
Hammer: Hey, it was tough on all of us, alright? The paint job on my car got scratched pretty bad. You don't see me crying about it.
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Trunk says he called Gumm to apologize, but he wouldn't pick up the phone. Hammer flippantly says it's because he has two badly broken arms.
Trunk: When this gets over the air, men are going to lose their jobs, Hammer!
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A smiling Hammer says he's been softening him up by candy and flowers, and he plans to send a singing telegram. Hammer has a woman enter to sing.
Singing Telegram: Ahhh. Just a note from your pal Sledge. Sorry you fell off the ledge.
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After Hammer notes the AA rhyming scheme, Trunk wonders if it's Hammer's goal to make his life a living hell.
At a bar, a concerned Doreau and nonchalant Hammer watch Gumm's TV news feature. His report is of course extremely critical.
Gumm: You get the feeling they like to get up on the roof, start shooting, and hope that they hit a criminal.
Hammer: (laughing) Who needs to go on the roof, huh?
Gumm concludes by saying that the police are so dangerous, he came away with two broken arms after spending one day with him. He considers himself lucky.
When the report concludes and the TV news anchor returns the broadcast to Miami Vice, Hammer blows away the tube. [gunshot 1]
 | The lettering above the precinct doors starts with "San Francisco." |
As Hammer enters the police locker room, Mayjoy and a laid-off cop give him grief. Even so, Hammer's mood doesn't change until he sees "FINK" spray painted on his locker.
Trunk claims responsiblility for it, and tells Hammer the only consolation he has for being told to lay off half his men is that he will be rid of Hammer.
Hammer: I'm suspended again, right? (mutters "big deal")
Trunk: (gloating) No, Hammer, you don't understand. You are fired, sacked, dumped, banished, terminated. You're outta here. You're history. That's a wrap.
Hammer: Just what are you getting at?
Trunk: Hammer, you are no longer a cop.
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Finally, it hits Hammer. Doreau tries to console him and suggests he can do other things, but Hammer knows he was born to do this. His vocational aptitude test said he was best suited to be a cop or a game show host. Doreau is sure he'll find something worthy of his "unique capabilities."
Hammer has become a school crossing guard. When one car ignores his handheld stop sign, Hammer blows out its tire. [gunshot 2] The car then crashes into a tree.
After he warns the admiring kids that his gun is not a toy, he twirls it and returns it to his holster.
Walking through the halls of the precinct, Trunk laments to Doreau that the city has gone wild with snipers, bombs, and even an outbreak of crossing guard brutality.
Doreau suggests he should consider Hammer saying one bad day shouldn't ruin his career. Trunk obviously doesn't think Sledge "I Didn't Know The Thing Was Loaded" Hammer has had only one bad day. Trunk then receives a call saying there is a bomb planted in the business district with over a thousand people around there. He tells Doreau to report to the scene immediately and "look good."
At Franklin Pierce Elementary School, Hammer pats down two students who turn out to be clean.
When Hammer hears about the bomb scare on another child's radio, he commandeers one kid's skateboard for "official school crossing guard business" and wobbles down the sidewalk.
In the business district, Phil Gumm is negatively reporting that an entire neighborhood could be gone and nobody can do anything about it, especially the police. Just then, Hammer is unable to stop his skateboard and knocks Gumm over.
Hammer: Well, quit lying down on the job, Gumm. Keep your dignity.
Gumm: (on his back) My cast!
Hammer: I'll have to sign that later.
Hammer assures Doreau he won't "let some mutant blow up half this city, especially the half I live in," but Doreau tells him he is too late.
Doreau: Yeah, [the leftist militants] asked for a million dollars, a private plane, and an end to the Star Wars program.
Hammer: Yeah, well, three movies were enough.
When she tells him they have tied three sticks of dynamite to a clock in a store, Hammer thinks "finding that will be child's play" until he realizes it's a clock store.
Not wanting to "make a hero out of that bozo", Gumm tells the cameraman to turn off the camera. Doreau grabs the camera and snipes at Gumm that Hammer is doing more than he is. She suggests they let the public decide.
Hammer: Doreau, get out. Get out! Only a fool would come in here.
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The small pile of clocks on the counter represents those Hammer has checked, but Doreau warns that he'll never check all of them in time. Hammer is then inspired to shoot the fuse box to blow out the power. [gunshot 3]
They then converge on the one battery-operated clock still ticking. Hammer carefully sets that clock and the accompanying sticks of dynamite on the floor. Not knowing how to disarm a bomb, Hammer pulls "Bomb Disarming" by T. Estridge out of his coat pocket, the current "Book of the Month" Club selection.
The crowd outside watches his every move, while the police follow Doreau's coverage on TV.
Crowd: Go, Hammer! Go, Hammer! Go, Hammer!
Cops: Go, Hammer, go! Go, Hammer, go! Go, Hammer, go!
Trunk: Go, bomb, go! Go, bomb, go! (reluctantly changes his mind) Go, Hammer, go. Go, Hammer, go.
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When the book refers to the next volume in this series, Hammer is only left to guess. Eenie Meenie Miney Moe. Moments after he closes his eyes and snips a wire, the alarm clock rings without any detonation.
Hammer: Time to get up.
Hammer brings the clock and dynamite outside to the cheering crowd. ("Enough adulation.") While his troops cheer loudly, Trunk only claps a few times before going back to reading his newspaper. Even after all this, Gumm is still unmoved when Hammer approaches.
Gumm: Well, I guess even a cretin can look good on TV.
Hammer: Don't flatter yourself, Gumm.
When he says he has something for Gumm, everyone thinks Hammer is reaching for his gun. Instead he signs Gumm's cast.
Hammer: Sledge Hammer! will continue in a moment.
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